Scream and cry as much, there’s no way of breaking out.
Engulfed in darkness,
Plummeting to an abyss of despair,
Feelings going numb, upto the point of inertness,
Paranoia permeating every cell in your body, leaving you gasping for air.
The happy memories of the past are now distant and a blur,
The chances of them returning in the future seems bleak,
The voice in your head says ‘Keep going’ but they slur,
Your body paralyzed with fear, too numb, too weak.
What do you do in such a situation?
How do you get out of this mess?
Will you ever get to see the rays of sunshine outside this dungeon?
Or will this be your permanent home now, this dungeon of darkness??
Have you guys ever felt like this at some point in time or the other? What do you do? How do you push yourself to get out of this dark space and motivate yourself to be positive and never let go of the optimism? Do share in the comments. Am sure it will be helpful to many, including ME….hope you all are doing well…stay healthy and be happy friends💟💟
It seems like only an instant back, we were welcoming the new year, hoping that year 2022 will do away with all our worries and compensate all the loss and hopelessness with abundant happiness and of course prosperity. And now 2 months have already gone by…
How has the year been for you all so far?? All good? All bad? For me, I think it’s been a rollercoaster ride with a mixed bag of events and emotions. I have experienced tranquility and turmoil. A sense of Zen and chaos.
Like i mentioned in my previous post New beginnings 🏠, we shifted to our new home. The last weeks of December and first weeks of January were spent settling in. Trying to make this new place a home of our liking. We threw a small house warming party for some friends and family. 2022 seemed to start off on a rather nice note. Until..
I got a call from my parents saying they were both having fever and cold. These days, these 2 words together immediately sets off the panic button. Asked them to get tested and yupp, sure enough..they both tested covid positive. Living so far away, I felt pretty helpless and all i could do was keep calling to check up on them and occasionally ordering food online for them to get a break from the monotony of quarantining at home. Thankfully, they are vaccinated and were/are gradually recovering. And within a week of them testing positive, my husband and I also fell sick and tested positive. And we never even stepped out of home. All we did was go down to pick up online delivered groceries and the occasional evening walks. And that was enough to catch the damned virus!! 😵😫
Now I had heard that the new variant is not that powerful and all. I have been severely sick in the past due to various other ailments, but let me tell you, that no other time have I experienced such body pain and fatigue. Even when I was hungry, I couldn’t bring myself to get up and eat, let alone cook or work. Nobody could come and help us, as we were in isolation. Our parents were worried sick (literally in this case 😛). Even though the fever and body pain subsided in a few days, we were left feeling tired and exhausted beyond measure. I was off work for 3 weeks!! That’s the longest leave I have had in 4 years!! Thankfully we both took care of each other and are slowly and hopefully coming out of it.
So to all those who are feeling that the pandemic is over, I’d request you to be cautious. It’s still very much out there and ready to bite your ass. And it’s NOT a pleasant experience at all.
These days of home quarantine can be lonely and isolating, making one feel bored, restless,or even melancholic. But there were 2 things that kept me going…While the doctor prescribed meds took care of my body and helped it fight the virus, there were 2 things in my life that gave me mental peace, restored the zen in me and filled my life with the much needed dose of hope and positivity. First is of course my Plant babies. Infact after moving in, I have added some more to my mini garden. Even when I was down and out with fever and body pain due to the virus, I dragged myself to water the plants atleast on alternate days. Having my morning tea in my garden, seeing the flowers bloom, the morning breeze rustling the green leaves, and seeing them soak up the sunlight and thrive, made me feel so much better. They literally acted as a balm to my throbbing head and aching body. Plants truly add color and hope in our lives. They have been one of my favourite companions throughout the pandemic for the past 2 years. 🌿🌱💓
I started this as a hobby but in these last 2 years, I have developed a true love for gardening. Here are some pics of my new plant babies🥰🥰. Hope you like them….
Also, we have an addition to our family…we got some fish babies for our aquarium 🐠🐟…the aquarium was inbuilt in the new house…an empty aquarium looks bad we thought, so just for the purpose of aesthetics and decoration, we got 10 small ones…and we instantly fell in love with them. We gave them names and fed them and I have spent many hours watching their every movement and even talking to them (Crazy much?? 😝😝)!! Sadly, 2 died within the first 2 days…even though they were with us for only a day or so, losing them felt devastating..my husband refused to just throw them in the trash and felt we should bury them, as it seemed like a more humane thing to do…so I buried them in one of the plant pots…those of you who have had similar experiences, what do you guys do in such a case?? Just curious, I don’t want to bury any more of them 😔
Thankfully the others are doing fine and just seeing them play around, fight, snooze or swim around have made my quarantine days somewhat exciting and eventful. Here’s a peak:
So that’s how the first 2 months of 2022 have been…one on end there was sickness (covid), death (fish), loneliness and despair (isolation) and on the other there were changes (moving in), additions (plants,fish), growth (blossom and bloom). So it’s really been a mixed bag of emotions and experiences for me, hope the rest of the year is mundane without any unpleasant surprises up its sleeves…how has 2022 been for you all so far? Do let me know in the comments.
Words have an impact on all of us…I guess that’s why so many of are here, writing, reading, learning. Because words leave an impression. They can make us happy, they can make us sad, they can make us nostalgic, and even enrage us at times. They can also inspire us, motivate us, or definitely make us think and reflect. These words can be lines from a poem, dialog from a movie, or even a quote said by famous personalities or one made famous by popular culture.
So in this post, I thought I will share some of my favourite quotes, which I carry with me in my heart and remind myself of, whenever needed. Here goes.
1. PEOPLE WILL NEVER TRULY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO THEM.
I truly believe that for someone looking outside in, they can never really understand exactly what you’re going through. Especially, if they haven’t been in the same or atleast similar circumstances. At best, They can try to understand, they can sympathize, they can empathize. But no-one will really know the storm brewing in your mind, body or heart unless they have been in the exact same situation. And if you see it logically, it kinda makes sense too. How can anyone know a certain feeling or a certain pain when they haven’t experienced anything close to that themselves. So it will be wrong on my part to even expect that. So when I am going through some major shit and someone (with good intentions), says stuff like ‘I understand’, or ‘I feel you’, when I know they have no clue what it feels like, earlier my inner voice would be like ‘No dude, you don’t understand, you have no idea what it’s like, so don’t talk shit and Shut the F*** up 😡🥊’. But remembering this quote restores the zen in me and makes me say ‘Thanks🙏😊’ instead. Saves some pretty nasty fights I’d say.
2. DON’T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO OTHERS. THERE’S NO COMPARISON BETWEEN SUN AND THE MOON. THEY SHINE WHEN IT’S THEIR TIME.
Most of us have this terrible habit of comparing ourselves with others. Could be comparison of looks, health, wealth, good fortune et al. And end up feeling terrible seeing others doing so well while we are heading nowhere. I am guilty of this too. But when I came across this quote, it really made me realise that each of us have our own journeys, our own struggles and our own time to shine and thrive. It’s really not fair to compare myself to someone more successful (for example) when I have no idea how hard that person must have worked to get there. And that he/she must have struggled way more than me to achieve what they have got. So all I have to do is remind myself that now is their time to shine. If I have a goal and work towards it, tomorrow will be my time to shine.🌞🌞
3. LET IT HURT, LET IT BLEED, LET IT HEAL, LET IT GO.
We all get hurt, either by people or our circumstances. Holding onto those grudges only makes us bitter and cynical. It keeps us from being happy or content. So whenever anything or anyone Hurts me, I give myself some time to process it, maybe even cry it out and then to eventually try to let go of the emotional baggage coz it really serves me no purpose dragging it around and getting bogged down by the pressure of it. Of course it doesn’t come so easily always. But then we are all works in progress, aren’t we? So I keep telling myself this: Let Go and Break free. 🙂
4. WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME GAME; JUST DIFFERENT LEVELS. DEALING WITH THE SAME HELL; JUST DIFFERENT DEVILS.
I just love this quote. We are all going through some difficulties or the other, maybe we don’t know it, we don’t realise it. But we are. Every one has their own devils to deal with. So no judgement, no comparison. Just keep going. Life is one big complicated mess and we are all riddled with some trouble or the other. Do your best, face your own challenges, try your hardest to overcome them and move ahead. So even in our bad times, we are not alone. Someone might be having it better right now, but some others are going through worse. Always remember that.
5. THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Saved my most favourite quote for the last. I derive a lot of strength from this one. Whenever I am low, I keep telling myself this, over and over again. Nothing is permanent. Bad times don’t last forever. They will give way to better days and happier times. Just be patient and sail through the storm. Have faith in your heart. Know that This too shall pass. 💗💗
So these were my 5 favourite quotes that give me strength, courage and hope. I hope they resonate with you all. What are your favourite quotes? Please share in the comments. I’d love to read them and maybe add to my list of favourite quotes.
This is precisely the thought on my mind of late. Being stuck at home and waking up every day to do the same thing I did yesterday, I think I have been sucked into the monotony of life. And trust me, I ain’t complaining. I love monotony. It’s predictable, it’s boring and boring is comforting. I know only too well that It doesn’t take much for things to go awry. One phone call, one visit to the doctor, one mishap and life can turn upside down and chaos can set in. And I don’t function well in chaos. I don’t like chaos. God knows I have had more than enough of it in my lifetime.
For the past 2 years, I have led my life in a pretty routine manner. Wake up, office work, household chores, use whatever free time is left to attend to my little garden, binge watch, read, paint, walk or exercise on some days. And the same thing next day.
I take each day as it comes and truly try to live in the present and give my best in the present moment, without much (or any) thought or plans for the future. But is that really enough? I thought so, but seems like people around me disagree. It started with a discussion with the husband when he told me that it’s not enough. That I must try to broaden my horizons. That everyone needs to have a vision of where they see themselves in a few years and then work on a plan to get there. Smarty pants gave me a full blown lecture on the importance to plan for the road ahead. And I do know it comes from a place of concern and good intentions, but this is sort of a sensitive topic for me, so everytime we have such a discussion, I act out, get defensive and the discussion turns into a spat!! 😵😖
The thing is, I have had some bitter experience in the past related to dreaming big wonderful things. Whenever I have dreamt of doing something for myself, planned for something, wanted something so bad, life’s evil tricks have landed all such plans and aspirations flat on their face and shattered all the dreams. Like one time, I got into one of the best MBA colleges. My undergrads college experience was quite dull and boring so, I had gone there with the determination to make this count. I wanted this post-grad experience to be epic. To party hard, study hard and excel. And I did. For a few months. Until a blood clot landed up in my lungs and I ended up in the ICU!! I lost out on a year. I could have gone back. I could have finished. But I just ended up going back to work and never completed my post grads. And this is neither the worst thing to have happened nor the only time. Such things have happened again and again. Everytime I pick myself up, something new and worse knocks me right down.
So, I have made peace with the fact that planning and dreaming is probably not for me. I strive to live wholeheartedly in the present moment and make the most of it. After all, even the worst of obstacles can’t shatter a dream you haven’t dreamt or kill the hopes you haven’t built. Just going with the flow, each day at a time. Just drifting. You could say it’s my defence mechanism, my safety net. My make-believe-cocoon-of-happiness.
However the recent spat with the husband continued to bother me. Not because we fought and said things. We did reconcile the next day. But I kept wondering, is he right (can you imagine how hard it must be for a wife to admit that😛)? Does he have a valid point?🤔 Whenever, I have such existential crisis questions bothering me, I resort to some advice from my bestie. Whenever in crisis or self doubt, she’s my go to person. My free therapist!! She lives in another country, she’s awfully busy but she understands when I NEED to talk to her. And this time our chat was immensely uplifting and an eye opener of sorts for me. And this is what she had to say.
She asked me the same thing that is the title of my blog..‘ Do you want to drift or do you want to be driven?. If you drift along, go with the flow, with no certain plans, no direction, no aspirations, no expectations, then you will probably lead a comfortable but mediocre life. Wishes will remain unfulfilled, desires will remain dormant, achievements few and sense of accomplishment even less. Years later when you look back at your life, you will probably realize it wasn’t the best version of the life you hoped for, with many unfulfilled dreams, many items not checked from your bucket list. And then you might wish you had taken a different approach. That, despite circumstances, you had taken the reins of your life in your own hand. Been the one riding the car of your life rather than being in the passenger seat and see life just whisk past you. But then it will probably be too late and all you will have is just regret. Regret for not doing more, not doing better for yourself. Instead, now if you decide that you don’t want to just drift from one day to the next but instead be driven, by taking control of your life and deciding on a direction, a path and work towards it, then irrespective of how things turn out (and by that I mean Fate being a total b**ch and F-ing up things), you will atleast have the satisfaction that you tried. You tried to make a difference, you tried to make your life more fulfilled, more meaningful. Even if things don’t work out as you planned, You can accept things without regret. And that will also give you some much needed peace and satisfaction.‘
Needless to say, her words really left an indelible impression on me. And yes, it’s given me some courage to atleast think about things. What I want, who I want to be down the line. And after many many years, I am atleast giving it some thought. That itself is a big step in the right direction for me.
And this is the exact reason I am sharing this here. So that , if any of you reading this, find yourself in a similar predicament where you’re afraid to dream, to hope, to aspire, that reading this may give you some food for thought and propel you to think about not just drifting along, not just surviving from day to day, but actually driving your life in the direction that your heart desires. Would love to hear to hear your thoughts on this. Remember, we are all in this together. ❤️❤️
That could totally break you and shatter your near and dears?
Would you wait and wait longer,
Or would you face reality and come out stronger?
Would you just ignore your imminent troubles?
Or rather come out of your pretend-to-be-happy bubble,
And face the reality that awaits,
Just ready to barge in and desecrate
Everything that you hold dear,
And make all the little joys disappear.
The truth is seldom pleasant,
But the fear is omnipresent.
So i wonder out loud, is it better to continue to live in denial,
Or to muster the courage and face whatever ‘reality monster’ awaits and fight for your survival?
Have you ever felt like this? Like you’re so scared of the outcome that you prefer to live in denial rather than face the music?…it could be a breakup or a visit to the doctor or a thesis submission or any other situation that needs to be addressed and dealt with, but there’s always the possibility that things won’t go your way and will have significant consequences that might adversely affect the course of your future. So, instead of just getting done with it, we just sit on it, too afraid of what the outcome might be. On the surface, everything is normal, everything is mundane, but underneath the veneer of normalcy, there lurks a hidden fear, that just eats you up little by little. Have you ever been in such a predicament? I know I have. And it’s not a happy state to be in. Would love to know your thoughts and how you handled it..Much love to all of you fighting such secret battles 💟💟
It’s a cloudy day today, And so is my mood. Some things don’t feel right, While others still feel good.
It’s just one of those days when I sulk and brood, If you rub me the wrong way I can even be rude, I feel like hiding under my hood, Today, just today, just stop messing with me dude.
Reflecting on the things I have to do and the things I should, Realize nothing much of that will happen, if to meetings and deadlines I remain glued, If only the fretting and overthinking stopped, if only it could, I know that would help a great deal in getting me out of the woods.
I need a generous dose of happiness, To feel better, to uplift my grumpy mood, Can chocolate do the magic? Hell it sure could. Suddenly I hear it…a faint thunder roll in the distance…and a few precious raindrops on the window pane, And I know for sure..God has rewarded me with an instant feel good. 🙂🌧️⛈️